It Is Time to Talk

We have all had those words come out of our mouths or heard them from someone else. You know that feeling that comes along with it… that sinking feeling in your gut, that fear that overwhelms us, the shaking of the hands that now seem uncontrolled. That is our body signaling that something difficult is about to come up. Either we have to approach someone with something we have been dreading or someone else is coming to us with a similar problem.

I’m a bit obsessed with this topic this week as I just came out of a training on this very topic, plus read the book Crucial conversations, which I’ll link below and I did with my re-post from Tuesday.

These conversations will define how we go forward, how we succeed and what we teach others. They are critical to what we want to achieve in all aspects of our lives. Since Tuesday was focused around forgiveness and conflict I want to address this one more from a family and financial aspect. Before I get started, I’ll let you know that I am no expert here for sure and I can openly admit where I have really screwed these up, but as with all things that fail, they should help us to learn where we can improve.

As a member of several communities around the Ramsey Baby Steps, there have been countless posts that I’ve responded to that go something like this

“I need some help, I’m drowning in debt of $XXX, every month we are barely scraping by I have X kids and my husband/wife are just not on board, whenever I bring it up there is a fight…”

There is obviously conflicting plans in this area. The prophet Amos spoke to the children of Israel and said “Can two walk together except they be agreed?” This was a clear rhetorical question, because we all know that they cannot. If you have ever done a 3-legged race you know that it takes great coordination and synchronization to be successful (it also helps if you and your partner are similar in size).

In this situation, what do you do? Well, if you are going to walk together it is time for one of those tough conversations. Notice I did not say an argument. That is not the goal here, the goal is to help you align on a plan or agree that really you cannot walk together. There is going to have to be some way for you to look from each other's perspectives.

I’ll be the first to tell you that my wife and I do not exactly see eye to eye on finances 100% but we are pretty close. Now she does fully trust me and my planning. She does let me know when there is a crazy bill coming in and does not spend ridiculous amounts on crazy things (although she does have the heart of a giver and Christmas is her favorite time to buy things, to which I am usually on the spoiled side of that). Where we have always struggled is eating out, it was the number one thing we had to get control over and still struggle with. If you have kids in sports and lots of activities going on you know exactly what I mean here. Some days/nights it is tough. I mean this weekend I covered a Cross Country meet, and 4 soccer games all in the rain Saturday and sunday. I was exhausted, and let’s just say eating out is the easy option here. The only difference now is we look for lower cost alternatives on days like that.

So how do you go about this is the next question, and regardless it is going to take some time to pull yourself together for this one. I believe when we are talking about something that is impacting us we need to start with some facts and what those are doing to you. If you are the nerd/budgeter/planner in the relationship let’s take some time to gather your thoughts. What are your struggles? What concerns do you have? How is it making you feel?

As the start of the conversation, let’s just approach it from the I really need to talk about this with you. Lay out what you have been doing and why you have been doing it. Lay out what your plans and goals are, why this is important to you. Now, it is time to hear and really listen to their side of the story. What are their goals? What are their concerns? Now that you have both sides, it is time to work together towards a shared goal. Only through a shared goal can two walk together. When you have that outlook it changes the perspective.

That is why one of the critical parts of Financial Peace University is to have a dream meeting together. Listen, we work most of our lives, we need to have a plan for what our life will look like when we no longer have to chase our kids around, work all day long and labor for things. You need to have that future mindset, whether your goal is to retire in your 30s or work till your 60s, it doesn’t matter as long as the two of you are aligned on the plan.

WHAT IF IT IS JUST YOU?

Well, this plan above can work for any tough conversation. But I would council you if it is just you, it goes back to something I wrote about a while ago and I’ll look to share that one again, but to sum it up, who are you surrounding yourself with? Who are your friends and colleagues? Do they have similar goals?

Chances are if they are driving a brand new BMW, spending every money, running up credit bills, etc. etc. all while you are trying to get out of debt then you are not going to last long or they are going to tell you the opposite of where you are going. BUT, if your friends are doing things similar to you, then you have cheerleaders that you can talk to about your goals and support each other. Surround yourself with like minded people. It will help you achieve your goals and fulfill your dreams.

See the bottom of my previous post for Crucial Conversations

If you are looking for an FPU Class, I'm starting one up Virtual October 25th and would love to have you come join me. I'm also offering free 1-1 coaching sessions to those that sign up. Just click the link here